Cactus
by Titania Took
Summary: For once, not very cracky. A series of oneshots involving everyone's favourite doctor and the things he has to deal with as CMO of the Enterprise. Think James T. Kirk, Enisgns who leave disaster in their wake, and Vulcans attempting to catch cactuses.
1. The Cactus

**A/N: Greetings Earthlings! This story features OCs you may have met in previous fics of mine, but can be perfectly understood without having read them (I would, however, recommend reading them, as the may make you laugh. Potentially a lot. *end shameless plug*). But I would like to welcome Nurse Elinor Macnab, who has kindly agreed to cameo, and may feature frequently in this series. (As you may be able to guess by the fact I write fanfiction, coming up with original characters is not one of my strong points, so I rely on kind people who wish/agree under pressure after bribing with large quantities of sugar to cameo. Anyone who wishes to, feel free!).**

**Anyways, this story is a true one! Well, sort of. It was inspired by truth. I am still picking the spines out now from accidentally catching a cactus this morning.**

**Disclaimer:**** Not mine. I own a cactus which caused my hands to look like one this morning, and that is about it.**

* * *

**Cactus.**

It had been a quiet day in sickbay, which, of course, was highly suspicious, and generally meant something big and bad was coming. The only traffic they had had all morning was a few red-shirts from Engineering who had been caught in a minor explosion, whose second degree burns were fine after a quick run-over by the dermal regenerators. He would have thought the most interesting mishap of the day would be Jim coming down to them sporting some fascinating new injury, but when something exciting finally did happen, it was most certainly not to the person the doctor had been expecting.

The main reason for the lack of injuries, of course, was that the more troublesome ensigns on board the ship were in the brig (or birgg, as Kirk had labelled it in permanent marker once, and the name had stuck. In the, the maintenance team couldn't clean it off no matter how hard they tried, for an entire month, and have now given up all hope, way.) "testing it for escape-proof-ness". In reality, they were there so the rest of the ship could have a nice, peaceful, stress-free day without having to worry about being blown up (at least, those not wearing red shirts could relax. The engineering department were still in danger). The birgg had already been tested by, in his own words, "the most intelligent and resourceful being they could find". The concept of modesty was not one that had been successfully introduced to the ship's half-Vulcan, evidently.

He glanced over to Nurse Macnab, who had now gotten all the way to E in her labelling of all the medicines Kirk was allergic to, having been working on it for over three months. At least it was something to do. At this point, he was practically wishing for their illustrious Captain to do something stupid, just to alleviate this boredom and ominous lack of activity. He was getting to the point where he was feeling the urge to hypospray inanimate objects such as pillows, which he was fairly sure was not a good sign for his sanity.

So when the hobgoblin strode in holding his hand out strangely, he was actually glad to see him, something that rarely happened. He hurriedly scanned the surrounding area for any signs of Nurse Chapel. While she was an incredibly good nurse, when it came to Spock, it was better for everyone if she wasn't involved. He beckoned the thankfully not so Spock-obsessed other nurse in the vicinity towards him, and hissed "Code Blue! I don't suppose you could distract Christine while I deal with this, could you?"

"Of course, sir," she replied, and wandered off towards the head nurse to inquire as to whether the Captain was allergic to some substance he had no idea how to pronounce or spell, and which she had most likely made up on the spot. He really was glad he had that girl on his staff at times. She was an expert at handling Code Blues (even whispering the S-word on the same deck of the ship as any of the many fangirls on the Enterprise could be dangerous, so all the medical staff except the nurse to which it pertained (and possibly Ensign Demmar-Waters) used Code Blue instead), and also a pretty competent nurse, unlike a certain ensign he could think of, who had never completed medical school, and was only in it for the hyposprays. They had only taken her on because they needed all the help they could get, although several months later he was reconsidering whether that decision was a wise move, as she appeared to be more of a hindrance than any actual aid. Fortunately she was in the birgg today.

Doctor McCoy set a leisurely pace as he meandered over to where the Vulcan was standing, actually displaying some discomfort, a state the doctor was enjoying distinctly more than anyone who had taken the Hippocratic oath should. (Although, of course, the word 'hypocrite' also stems from the same root. He is not quite sure if this is also where the word Hippopotamus comes from. He never was that good at Latin. Or Greek, if you're going to be fussy).

"Greetings Doctor," Spock said in a rather strained voice. "I came to inquire as to whether I could borrow a pair of tw-"

"Good god man! What did you do?" He stared down at Spock's hand, which looked a lot like a porcupine, and he actually was not exaggerating.

"While on a tour of the botany labs with Lieutenant Sulu, the Captain knocked over a cactus, and I caught it." For all it looked like, Spock's hand could have been the cactus, it was covered in so many spines.

"You caught the cactus? You Vulcans are supposed to be geniuses, and yet you caught a cactus! I would have thought your reflexes and super-brains were quick enough to at least engage the thinking mode before reaching out to catch a spiky object!"

"Jim was also attempting to catch it."

"If Jim threw himself off a cliff would you do it too? And before you answer, please remember that he has already done that several times in his life. The Captain is an incredibly bad role model, and I would have thought that you of all people knew that, although you can be just as stubborn as he is. Dammit, man, I'm a doctor, not your mother! I shouldn't be having to tell you that 'Jim does it' is not an excuse for anything!"

"Jim is highly allergic to that plant, as he is with many others, and if he had caught it would have gone into anaphylactic shock."

"Did it not occur to you to just push him out the way, instead of getting your own goddamned hand full of spines?"

"….. No."

There was silence for a few moments. Then McCoy said: "Is it all right? I know about Vulcan hand sensitivities and everything. I'm guessing you'll wan't to use the tweezers yourself." He wandered off to fetch some tweezers, and subsequently missed the Vulcan looking more than a little surprised about this display of actual concern for his well-being and comfort. Contrary to popular belief, the grumpy doctor could actually be quite nice.

"I'm hoping that cactus wasn't poisonous," he said as he returned, having obtained some tweezers and made sure Nurse Chapel was safely out of the way filing paperwork. Having to get hundreds of tiny cactus spines out of Mr. Spock's Vulcan hands? She would have loved it. And for Spock's sake he was very glad she was not there.

The commander confirmed that there was indeed no need to concern himself about any adverse effects from the plant's juices, which was in his opinion a particularly unnecessarily long-winded way of saying no, but it would do, and he watched as the Vulcan began the long and laborious process of picking each individual spine out of his hand.

Half an hour later, he returned to his office to catch up on some paperwork, as it appeared that Spock would not be done by lunchtime.

When his shift ended several hours later, he left the Vulcan diligently at it, painstakingly picking out each one.

When he returned to sickbay the following morning, he found him still there, but this time asleep, with Nurse Chapel picking out the spines. He managed to drag her away before Spock awoke and she was nerve-pinched (when Spock was not involved, she was a mighty fine nurse, and those nerve-pinches did leave you with awful hangovers), and there was no comment on the number of spines that had miraculously disappeared overnight.

By the lunchtime the day after that, the Vulcan had finally finished, and the nurses waved their guests in sickbay (most of the ship had gotten very worried at Spock spending so long in sickbay with just the scary old doctor, and so the majority of the bridge crew plus Scotty had come down to keep him company throughout his labour) goodbye as they returned to the bridge once more.

And Bones did not have another cactus-related injury for a whole two years (a miracle, in his opinion). That time, it was Jim, and he did go into anaphylactic shock as well as getting spines all over his hand. And Spock, who had been absent at the time of the injury due to an urgent call about an explosion in the science labs (almost definitely caused by Ensign Richards the Elder), spent the whole three days that the Captain was unconscious valiantly picking out every spine.

* * *

**Did you like it? Hate it? Please tell me, in a nice little review saying ":) this is awesomesauce!" or something like that. They make me happy. But more importantly, please tell me if you have any Ideas! This is meant to be a whole series of Bones and all the crazy injuries the crew gets, but currently I am stumped (that was my only Idea. I'm sure the plot bunnies/tribbles will breed soon, but until then, inspiration please? Reviews would also be nice. :) .) Also, any suggestions for a title?**

**Press the button! You know you want to!**

**LLAP**

**Kat out.**


	2. Cactus II

**A/N: Here be Cactus II, set shortly after not Cactus I, but the Nav-Sat incident, in which, as you may or may not remember, Ensign Richards the Elder was locked in the cactus labs. Here we see the results!**

**Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine. Yet. Mwahahaha!**

* * *

**Cactus II**

"Sickbay to Bridge."

"Kirk here."

"Jim, get yourself and the hobgoblin down here this instant!" The transmission cut off.

Oh dear, thought Captain Kirk. Bones sounded angry. "Spock, save me!"

"As I too have been summoned to sickbay, I must assume that I am also a subject of the doctor's ire, therefore I may be unable to protect you, but I assure you that I will do all that is in my power to prevent any undue harm from coming to you." It took Jim a while to process this, but eventually he decided it probably meant Yes.

* * *

"Ok Bones, so what's happened this time? This isn't still about all that rocking, is it? You know that wasn't my faul-" The doctor cut him off.

"This," he growled, gesturing angrily towards the unconscious body of Ensign Richards the Elder, "is what's happened this time. Which of you two idiots thought it would be a good idea to let this idiot into the poisonous cactus lab?"

There was an awkward pause, before Kirk eventually dared to squeak "We were hoping she would catch one and die."

"Well, that's all very well for you, but much as I regret it now, I took the Hippocratic oath when I was young and naïve-"

"You were young once?"Jim was swiftly stabbed with a rather painful hypospray. "Hey! I thought the first line was 'do no harm'!" Bones did not deign to reply.

"Anyway, that means I now have to patch her up."

It was at this point that the Ensign in question woke up, to the sight of a certain half-Vulcan who she happened to be a more than slight fangirl of. Her face broke out into a huge grin. "Spocky! You came to visit me in Sickbay! You're so romantic!"

"Did someone just say Spocky and romantic?" asked Nurse Chapel as she burst in, pursued by Nurse Macnab, who had been attempting to deal with the Code Blue, but whose attempts had been thwarted by Kat's yelling of the S-word.

"Spocky's mine!"

"Mine!"

"MINE!"

"Now now children, may I remind you all that Spocky is actually mine."

"Captain!"

Peace returned once more, once Nurse Macnab had succeeded in dragging Nurse Chapel out of the ward before a full-on catfight (possibly involving hyposprays of various dangerous substances, guven the location) could break out, and Dr McCoy had been forced to sedate Ensign Richards to prevent her from glomping Spock.

"So, back to business. Which of your physicals do I have to make particularly painful?" There was silence. "Well, Spock's a Hobgoblin and they're not supposed to lie, so I'm guessing it was Jim and you're just not saying anything to protect him."

"On the contrary, Doctor, it was I who rearranged the schedules so that Ensign Richards was in the cactus laboratories instead of navigating."

"Ha! I knew that one would get you!"

"Bones, don't be too mean to Spock- Ow! What was that for?"

"Shoo! Back to the bridge with you. I have plotting to do."

* * *

A while later, Ensign Richards the Elder awoke once more.

"So, would you care to explain how you have cactus spines all over the fingertips of you left hand, but nowhere else?"

"That was my left hand? Oh. I thought it was my right one. Spocky always uses his right hand, doesn't he? Or is it left?" She examined her hands carefully looking a little confused. Doctor McCoy was rather more confused.

"What exactly were you doing in there?"

"I was trying to mind-meld with a cactus."

* * *

**Kat: Spocky says to review.**

**Spock: I do not!**

**Kat: It would be logical to review.**

**Spock: Do not listen to her! Her logic is flawed! Reviews fuel the crack! I am emotionally compromised…**

**Kat: See. Spocky says to review.**

**Spock: Illogical…**


End file.
